well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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