my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize