I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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