I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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