he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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