nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can't put those talents on a resume
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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