I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
