Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You're like the curious george of whores
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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