Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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