Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
