you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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