Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize