I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
