I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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