john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
