i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
