this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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