you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
