So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
