If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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