I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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