not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Boobs speak an international language.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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