You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
