Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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