Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
