How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
