Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
