I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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