I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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