Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
