I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dick very happy bro
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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