i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
