how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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