i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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