turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
How's work?
Spinning.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
