No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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