When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
