Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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