He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
