I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize