So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
