You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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