I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
