I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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