paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
