pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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