quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
