had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
