you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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