Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
