I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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