She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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