i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
