i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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